Philibuster

I don’t post as much on here anymore. I’m going to start to try and change that.  The only way I know how to at the moment is to just start trying to live up to its’ name. Or at least the real word instead of the pun I use. So I’ll just talk. I recently had to end a relationship I was in. I didn’t want to end it but honestly it had been moving in that direction anyway. The reason I ended it was because she stole from me. Now she says she didn’t but I don’t believe her. I checked my wallet before she came over 43 dollars. Five mins before she came over in fact. After she left I checked it again. Remember I did say that the relationship had been going down hill anyway the fact I’m checking my wallet before and after she comes over, well that tells you something doesn’t it. Anyway upon the second check lo and behold 23 dollars. The final straw if you will.

We had described our relationship as a roller coaster and that turned out to be a pretty good summary. You start out with a relatively slow climb big huge drop off with lots of thrills and then as gravity starts slowing you down and things go up and down with one last big dip at the end as a sort of last hurrah.

And then it’s over before you know it.

Three months and if I sit down and think about it things were rocky for more than half. If I allow myself anymore thought on it I start to come up with these odd musings that she was probably over me after about a month and then she was bored but she stuck around because I was helping her out. And why was I helping her out well because of that nice big first run. It was so good at the beginning, you know when she still cared, and I wanted that back so much that I tried whatever I could to maneuver it back to that. Obviously I failed pretty bad. But if it wasn’t for that big thrill in the begining I wouldn’t have put up with all the bull shit that came in the other two months. There I was holding onto the few memories of when it was great while it fell down around me. Not my smartest of decisions. It would sort of be like buying a boat full of holes because you really really like the way it looked in that one catalog. Some people can repair holes. I could not.

I fully understand that it was mostly my fault that she lost interest. It’s not for lack of trying. I didn’t just give up sit back and say I don’t give a shit anymore. Oh no I tried my very best it’s just that I tried all the wrong things. Sometimes it’s got to be more than just the thought there needs to be results and results didn’t come on either side of the cluster fuck we were in.

It would be nice to believe her that she didn’t take the money. Not because I have any desire to get back with her. Being away allowed me to realise that the way she treats me is not good for me and I want none of it. The good times we had in the beginning would never ever come back. But because that way we could at least be civil with each other and stay distant to decent friends. Right now to know that she stole from me after everything I did for her, or every time I stood up for her, well it lets me know exactly what she thinks of me and while I put up with being treated like a schmuck while dating her I sure as hell won’t put up with being the dumb ass schmuck friend as well.